The Noble Scarlet RU-Rah-Rah Rules of New Brunswick

1. Every house on Senior Street must, and this is non-negotiable, have a wooden porch. It does not matter if you can afford stone steps. It does not matter if you cannot afford paint. It does not matter if you're afraid of wood sprites. You can have it with your toast, you can have it with a ghost, but you MUST have a wooden porch! (Bum ba dum.) This rule has been in effect since the Revolutionary War, judging by the age and state of some of these wheezing porches. It adds charm and a homey, idyllic feel to our classy little slum. Yeah, uh-huh.

2. Similar to #1, every house is mandated to have a well-manicured patch of weeds in front of the house. It must not exceed 20 square feet. All forms of grass and other gentle plantestry are banned from the municipality. This is New Jersey people! We are tough! Like weeds! And then we mow them down.

Although NB's quaint little cottages sport a variety of weed on their front porches (and an aroma that drifts out of the windows 'round eventide), it is rumored that some Johnny Rebs secretly have GRASS growing behind their innocent-looking houses. This rumor is as yet unconfirmed, since to do so would require me to face off with the residential pit-bull of whatever property I'm invading, and I like my ears intact.

Our front lawn actually sports gravel, and two healthy evergreen bushes. They're cut into squares, and are collectively named Georgie. Say hi, Georgie.

3. No food-related store is permitted to close before 3 AM. Lest it not properly present service at college rush-hour: midnight. I wonder...if the stores closed at a reasonable hour...might the students learn to BUY things at a reasonable hour?
Nah....

4. If a service does not have the mandatory 50 cent gigantic red "R" sticker on its window, then it is not worth patronizing. This may or may not be true. I shall have to do a closer study when all the frat boys return after summer break. Certainly most of the vendors pander to the Rutgers ego ad nausaeum:
     "Welcome to college town! We're RED!"
     ("psst! It's scarlet, not red!")
     "Whooops, didn't know how to say that in Spanish/Hindi;
     we're SCARLETTE!" *big, cheesy, buy-my-stuff smile*

Ah, the power of the free market.

5. Ramen soups are a new food group. I wouldn't even consider them food, let alone a staple item, but our local supermarket has half an aisle devoted exclusively to Ramen soups. They know their customers, I guess. G-d save the student living off of that stuff! (There, but for the Grace of G-d, go I, but more on that later.)